Peripheral Vision: The Sight Worth Seeing
Today, I was walking home, as always. When I almost got to this miniature fish pond near the house, I walked slowly for no reason. And when I was finally alongside it, so close to the edge, I walked more slowly, still for no reason. Then, I don't know but I noticed something strange. As I walked, my movement seemed to match that of the water's in my left. Curiously, I found that by looking straight ahead while also seeing the water in the side creates the illusion of being in sync with the water, like I was moving with it, in rhythm. I stopped feeling my movement, and for awhile, it did not make sense, why my body seemed to stop moving but my progress did not. Then I just stopped worrying and started enjoying. I did not dare look at anywhere else for fear that I might disturb this rarest of a phenomenon. It gave me the sensation of being afloat, as if the only thing that kept me in motion was the water. I swear to God, it felt like it was the water that carried me home. It was crazy.
This seems huge of a discovery for me. And it's because of that that I will not try to do it again just to prove that the sensation was real. Call it fear of jinx or whatever. Maybe it happens for real, or just that once, or maybe even not and I was only hallucinating but that happening to me at all was more than I could have asked for. Sometimes, you do not always have to make sense of anything in this world, you just know how it makes you feel and let that feeling be enough.
You live. Do not do so in fear of what's other than where you're meaning to go. Look all around, all over you. There are things worth seeing, worth feeling. Who knows? One of those might turn out to be the one worth choosing.
I was in second grade. Enter me the fearful child. The teacher? Just the meanest, cruellest teacher on Earth (amen!). There was an event. I prepared for a poem. I was so confident, so sure I could recite the poem even in sleep. Then on the day. Halfway through it, I got nothing. My mind failed me. It just slipped. The most fearful child vs the meanest teacher. By all accounts, I should have just stepped off the stage and run to my mother. It must have been the presence of my mother but I was fearless at that moment. While I was confident in my preparation, I was even more confident in my words after forgetting my poem. Spotting my mother in the crowd, I asked out loud, "Ma, what was the next?". Everyone laughed. And yes, that included my meanest teacher. The teacher had been mean to me all throughout that year. But never after that day. Maybe it was that lesson she wanted me to learn. To believe in myself. I was so painfully shy I must have been a challenge for her. This was my first silver lining. I looked around until I saw. I was not alone.
Life is not straight and narrow. It is va-a-ast, I tell you. It's easy to get lost. Believe me, it's not your fault. It's not anyone's. And your infinite capability to care, love, live truly, is only gonna get you somewhere. You just enjoy the ride. You be there. Be there.
This seems huge of a discovery for me. And it's because of that that I will not try to do it again just to prove that the sensation was real. Call it fear of jinx or whatever. Maybe it happens for real, or just that once, or maybe even not and I was only hallucinating but that happening to me at all was more than I could have asked for. Sometimes, you do not always have to make sense of anything in this world, you just know how it makes you feel and let that feeling be enough.
I've spent all my life being afraid. I'm even afraid of myself. But I'm writing this now with a smile in my face knowing that no matter how tough the going gets, it never stops there. It passes. Just like everything else. Just like the sensation of being walked home by a fish pond (haha) comes and then goes. The thing is while you have that thing that is good, bask in it. Thank the universe. Thank God. While you won't have that for all eternity, you had it for a moment with you. Count yourself blessed.
It's not always easy but it sure is not always hard.
I was in second grade. Enter me the fearful child. The teacher? Just the meanest, cruellest teacher on Earth (amen!). There was an event. I prepared for a poem. I was so confident, so sure I could recite the poem even in sleep. Then on the day. Halfway through it, I got nothing. My mind failed me. It just slipped. The most fearful child vs the meanest teacher. By all accounts, I should have just stepped off the stage and run to my mother. It must have been the presence of my mother but I was fearless at that moment. While I was confident in my preparation, I was even more confident in my words after forgetting my poem. Spotting my mother in the crowd, I asked out loud, "Ma, what was the next?". Everyone laughed. And yes, that included my meanest teacher. The teacher had been mean to me all throughout that year. But never after that day. Maybe it was that lesson she wanted me to learn. To believe in myself. I was so painfully shy I must have been a challenge for her. This was my first silver lining. I looked around until I saw. I was not alone.
Life is not straight and narrow. It is va-a-ast, I tell you. It's easy to get lost. Believe me, it's not your fault. It's not anyone's. And your infinite capability to care, love, live truly, is only gonna get you somewhere. You just enjoy the ride. You be there. Be there.
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