if it's great, it's not work

Today started off horribly. I was awoken early by a full bladder, and when I couldn't get back to sleep,  my mind started wandering until it stumbled upon it. Bang. Horrible, horrible. "It" is the kind of horrible that if I were 40 years older, I would have had the biggest,  most spectacular heart attack.  I do not remember any other day where I wake up, and realize such horror in my life. (Except that morning when I woke up from a dream where my mother is holding out her hand to me, so normal until I see it has a big hole in it).

I'm stupid as hell most days but this horror is right on top of every list of horrifying stupidities.

I'm this close. God, I can't believe how close I am to breaking, to tell everyone to just f**k off! I'm so close right now it's scares me.

I've been making these small, constant mistakes that I think maybe my brain is a little tired of conciously keeping up with my unwilling spirit.

I know what I need to do. I need to care! Care enough about my job to change my attitude. Care, right. Even the recent "change" of status for some of the employees like me in the office doesn't make me want to even try to care. Truth be told, I do not give a shit about that! What I'd give for a mediocre job right now. So, care, so long. Maybe I'll see you on the other side (of wherever this is).

What's keeping me here is the fact that I give a sh*t about people. A lot. There is where all my care is. And here is where I'd like to ask, "Isn't there a switch somewhere you can flip so you won't have to have a care in this world and just do what you want?" I don't know why I have to be the one who can give this awful lot of crap about people like I'm the only one who's capable.  Why bother so much? Everyone else is living their life.

Some days, I wake up choosing between two evils: letting my soul die a little each day or flipping the switch.

And lately, what I find myself liking to do more and more - and getting actually better and better at it- is act like a jerk. Sometimes, I think so much of trying not to act like a jerk and eventually just forget about even trying because it makes me want to be a jerk more.  I've been acting like a jerk so frequently I've becoming more and more it. Jerk. Basically, not acting anymore, but being. It's funny. By caring so much, I'm turning out to be an awful person.

Now, if only I could care about my job.

The day eventually got better though.  It must have been the worst start ever that it couldn't possibly have turned any other way.