Dilemma Avenue

I'm literally at the point of my life where it's a struggle living by what I grew up believing. I keep telling myself it's okay. It's a modern world. It happens. But who am I kidding? And is it really so bad changing anything?

Let me tell you. The past few years, I've done this and that trying to catch up with what life has been throwing at me. I've lied to myself literally every single day just to convince myself I've done nothing wrong, that I'm not doing anyone harm. It's mind blowing, dumb founding. These things these few years. If I told you now, you'd be repulsed by me. I've done things I NEVER imagined I'd ever do in my lifetime. I've probably done more questioning to God, to myself than I probably should why these things happen to me.

So what happens is that my perceptions are now really screwed up. Or maybe I screwed it up trying to keep myself from seeing wrong as wrong.

I've often said here that I feel like I don't deserve the things that I'm having and let me tell you, I DON'T. AND I KNOW I HAVEN'T HAD THE GUTS TO TELL YOU BUT I AM A HYPOCRITE. AND I WILL GO TO HELL FOR THIS. BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S WRONG AND WORSE IS I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.