Dread

So I’ve been in a relationship for over a year. Or had been. Anyway, I thought we ended it after a month of non communication but apparently the other person didn’t get the memo since I just now got a message saying “I miss you”. How could something so sweet sound so dreadful?

The thing is, I’m no longer feeling it. If I have to be honest, I haven’t felt it for half the time I was supposed to be a girlfriend. I had been ignoring the person for over a month after I insinuated I needed space, hoping that somehow, the person would get it, or even better, beat me to it. I mean break up with me. That would be like a gift from heaven. Even weeks or maybe months leading up to the cool off, I was communicating less and less. I guess somewhere somehow I completely lost interest. What I’m trying to say is that maybe it’s not a good time to break it off after being completely unavailable for the previous few weeks, making the other person wait only to end up breaking up with them anyway? It sounds cruel.

I can’t believe I’m about to end it. Like really end it. But I feel like this is the time. After all, I need to reply.

Here goes nothing.

“I’ve been thinking.”

“It’s no longer working.”

Wow, the exact words I just sent. I’m a horrible person. I hate to be the one causing the pain. This was the reason that for a long time, I stayed away from anything romantic. I never let myself get close enough to be involved. I should have opted to be consistent. I should have known better. I feel really bad about it, about myself. I’m not that person, you know?

I feel horrible. But I can’t keep lying. I could do worse if I don’t do this. So I have to do this one necessary evil.

--UPDATE—

The message got across. It’s officially nada. And I feel even worse and better at the same time. It’s really confusing me.

What I do know is that upon reading the reply, my breath got caught, my ears felt hot. I felt like crying. I think it’s my body’s way of telling me I did something bad. Bad bad bad. I felt like crying. I would say I was trying to do a noble thing, but it is hard thinking that when it’s hurting someone.