Change

How can you want something so much and be afraid of it too? I mean, aren't want and fear the opposite of each other? How is it that everytime I want something, I always hold myself back?

It seems like everything I've been able to accomplish, it wasn't even me. It was my parents, some other people. If I wasn't so lucky, I'd be nothing. I'm all luck.

None of it is my choice, did you know that? If it was up to me, I'd still be at home now, reading, staying up all night, be a zombie. Instead, I got pushed into this. This job that I don't care about and if it wasn't for the people in it I'd be long gone. Then got to know other people. And don't even get me started on this one. This life I never wanted has gotten its firm grip around me, it's suffocating. I don't want it and I haven't for a long time. I've been fooling myself in believing things will change. It won't. You can.

For a long time, I've been feeling down, scared, helpless, so fucking small and I just can't continue living like this. But there's that thing called change that I've been all talk about lately. That's me, by the way, all talk.