better to be lucky than good (sometimes!)

For the thousandth time, I have asked myself this question: What Have I Done To Deserve It?

Not to question God or anything - and I believe everything is as He exactly planned it - but there have been too many lucky-me episodes in my life for me not to notice. 

Year 2006 - something happened that I haven't shared anywhere but my diary. I was lucky then.

2007 - a job I needed but shouldn't have gotten.
2012 - another job in a new place when I never intended to be anywhere else but home, when I only intended to let my parents know that I was at least 'trying' to get a job.

2013 - today, yet another miracle has been given to me. 

That day, I asked for it with every known prayer (to me) that I could summon and all the times when something reminded me of it after that because I knew, I just knew, that there was no way I could have pulled that one off. 

Knowing there wasn't much I could do, it was the gist of my prayers the days afterwards - I didn't make a big deal out of it before then. I prayed and prayed as if my answers could miraculously right themselves. I asked for it so badly I probably made all the angels pity me. Because, I'll be honest, this was going to make or break me. What with some of my colleagues at work telling me they were sure I'd get it. Talk about pressures. *Duh.

Lazy, ambition-less, arrogant to a fault. Though, I'd call you a liar in the face if you called me such, that's me from deep within alright. I knew I was going to take that exam months prior. I knew but I was too lazy slash arrogant to study. I thought it would just be another one of those exams. I'd just do it, get it over with and come out unscathed. My evil mind put yet another important thing in my famous "whatever happens, happens" file cabinet. So I let the day fly.

Sure, I picked up my sister-given reviewer less than 24 hours before the exam. But you know what you'll learn in 24 hours reading that reviewer? Nothing. Your mind will be busy thinking 'there's not enough time so quit it'. I love cramming for exams, but that's only the case when I already know the stuffs that come out of them. Like pointers, you know. That's the kind of student life I led. But this... it was like taking a test blindfolded. 

I read a lot, yes. Look at all the books I've read. From the simple living in Nicholas Sparks's North Carolina to the darkest of the forests in Joseph Delaney's Wardstone Chronicles.There is this too. I write all the great things that are important, but only to me. And if these kinds of things help me go farther from where I am now, I thank all the heavens! Because then, I'll have chosen the best of hobbies for myself.

However, that's not how life works. You need to get things done, a lot of them difficult and unpleasant to actually accomplish something. The things you'd rather not do. 

More importantly, those books, random writing and a 24-hour studying are not what you need to get good results from what turned out to be a hell of an examination. 

And then the Civil Service examination day. I don't like remembering those agonies while I was there. But since I'm actually writing this, here goes. I left the house without eating breakfast because I thought that would upset my stomach. *Genius, right? I was a few minutes late from my planned schedule and the line when I got to the not yet so venue went all the way from the cathedral - ANHS was the venue. When, finally, I got to my room, the people in charge had to call me lots of times because I couldn't seem to get things done correctly the first time in whatever it was they made examinees like me do. *Bad start. My stomach was empty, brain foggy, hands cold and shaky, my nerves jangling. A perfect day - *add sarcasm. On top of it all, I panicked. Thinking I wouldn't turn the paper in on time (which might result of it being not accepted), I left the room with still a lot of people in it, heads bowed, faces on their papers. *Bad end. I hung around in the hallways waiting for the others (my college classmates) to finish, feeling lost, knowing I blew it. All the bitterness in my body told me "yeah, you did pull it off, so prepare yourself for the next one, idiot!".

But.

Miracle of all miracles: 
I passed the Civil Service examination.
Right now and every time I'll think about it, I wonder how the hell did that happen when I don't feel deserving of it, when so many people out there works harder than I do and who are clearly more deserving.

I guess, if you want something badly enough, you just have to ask for it just as badly. Hope for the best and expect nothing. Because that's exactly what I did. And I guess, I'm the lucky one.

It's probably for the best. Let's face it, I wouldn't have been hanging around here if this didn't happen. This is exactly what I needed, an ounce of sweet inspiration to get me back from under the rocks called 'hiatus'.

Now, I'm asking myself another question: Why did I take it? Oh. Plans.